My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I checked into jail on foursquare
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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