Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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