the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
