"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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