if i can run in heels then i can drive
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
