I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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