This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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