if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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