Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
