low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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