I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
