Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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