just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
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