the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
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