Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The Olympian is in my bed
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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