I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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