Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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