I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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