If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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