i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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