there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
i think my cat just said my name.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
