Only a mothe r could love this liver
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
