got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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