So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
