You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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