dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
