Kareoke will never be a sober sport
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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