I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
