I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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