can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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