remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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