dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
