Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
