I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
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My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
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I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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