I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
