My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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