We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
