Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
