Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
