How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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