I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Randomize
