She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
