I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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