It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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