is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
