Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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