Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
