Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
