Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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