mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
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When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
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he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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