So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
