My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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