saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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