yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
