She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
