non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
